Day 1 (Ew.Ew.Ew.)

Today I am starting my journey to ana all over again. I can't stand to look at my self in the mirror, I feel like I don't belong in this world...all my feelings of elation are gone. When ana was here for me, she guided me into the light. I looked good, felt good, and held the power of determination. For me it's either anorexia or compulsive eating. Which is weird because they are polar opposites. Well I hope I can do it as well as I did the first time.

I want that mindset back again, to feel that anorexia is the only way to loose weight. That it truly is a life style choice. Maybe my family won't continue to tell me I'm fat. You know what's weird? When I was 'to skinny' my family was like don't loose any weight, you never eat anything and blah blah blah. And when I start my binge a week later, they say 'I never see you without food in your mouth. Stop eating!' It's so unfair. What ever, this endeavor is for me, not them. I NEED to look good. And hopefully my therapist won't find out that i'm anorexic.

Well today is going well so far. I'm about to go for a quick run because according to my track coach, I have to. Man it was easier to run when I was skinnier! Hopefully i will get back there....with out the whole fainty thingy. Umm, so far i've only eaten an 80 calorie, fat free yogurt. Hopefully I can avoid eating a lot once I get back from my run! Oh and yeah, we (my family) is having a pre-easter dinner...sooo hopefully I can avoid binging.... Oh please let me stay strong my first day back!

Well, I will add on later... love all of you!