haha this is actually funny :)

Mkayyy well as we speak, i'm sitting here with my ear sown to a fucking pillow type thing. it's like a fluffy lounge chair that goes on the floor! haha Well how does this happen you ask? I got three words for you.  Im a blonde.
    SO first I was bored and was like HAHAH I wonder if  can get the needle and the thread through my ear! So i tried...WIN. Did it!!! Some how, it ended up in a painful mess that resulted me getting stuck to a gigantic pillow. Bugs are like eating me alive, and I REALLY gotta go pee! ughhh. even more embarrising, my sister when ever she wakes up in 9 or so hours, is gonna have to cut me off my pillow! hahah you know how badly teased I will be?!!?!?! OWWW sorry, Just pulled my head to far away from the pillow lol. Anyways so thats how I ended up stiched to a pillow. Fun right lol :P Well yeah that's pretty much whats been going on for the last 4 hours haha. I've had my ear stuck with a needle on it since 11:00p.m. so thats a good 4 hours with a needle in my ear! Well wish me luck in that I will miraculously find something to cut me free, be able to use my feet to get it, and then be able to sleep! hahaha! Have a good day babes!

Back to the beginning? Maybe?

      Haha well the last 2 days have been amazing in realtion to ana. I have lost 6 pounds (since I weighed my self this morning) since D.C. I only ate Pad Thai Noodles (aprox 260 cals) and 5 diet cokes! Today was a little worse especially considering the fact that I was stuck going to D.D. So I went to Subway  1st and got Large Diet Coke. Then D.D but they lost the calorie book =/ And got an egg white veggie flatbread. So there was like 320 cals :'( Although I was full when I ate 1/4 of it. Surprising but happy for me :) Following old habits, i finished it off lol. I don't know why but I don't feel guilty about eating anymore. Meh come back ana! Then for dinner I had like 1 lettuce leaf with 1/5 of a pepper :) So pretty much a good day! Worse than yesterday...but still good!
      Oh I forgot to mention the boy, well last night I couldn't sleep to well because I am always worried sick about my relationships with any man (my uncles, dad, step-dad, boyfriend etc.). SO I didn't sleep at ALL last night. Well I "slept" a half sleep for 4 hours. But  had nightmares for those 4...fun right? i had nightmares about my Dad again. I miss him but hate him for leaving me. Anyways, so I saw Josh this morning and he was doing well! Gave him a hug but thats about it. We haven't even kissed or anything yet...not even sure if he's had his first kiss yet! Umm so thats pretty much it with him.
      What else....Oh just frustrated that none of you comment or pretty much read my blog posts anymore. It saddens me because I always read yours! No matter what. Well I love you dollies! Sleep well.
xoxo
Lila

I'm backk!!!!

      Hi girlies! I finally am back <3 Well this week has been AH-MA-ZING!!! So I went to Washington DC and lost 2 pounds! I bet half of it was due to puking the whole way back from D.C. I would have stopped puking half-way through the way back if I hadn't self-induced it! hehehe my little schemes <333 Anyways, so onto SUPER good news!
       Mkay first things first, I placed 3rd in shotput for a track meet! hahaha that was pretty much it for track but secondly....I HAVE A BOYFRIEND <333 I met him in D.C. and 3-4 days later he asked me out :] Ahh I love 8th grade fake love.  Hmm what to sayy??? Well his name is Josh, and he is super TINYYY and a mega cutie :) Umm he races in motor-cross and does amazingly high jumps! haha. Other wise I don't really know what to say about him! Except I might be giving him his first kiss lol. Imma have to practice with my friend so that his was 10 million times better than mine! (Mine was a slobbery, wet, disgusting kiss...at least he was super hot?) Anyways I mean practice with a friend because yepp, I think I might be bi! haha Best of both worlds <3 JK. Well not about the bi thing, about the world thing lol. ANYWAYS, I am going to go visit him for 10-15 minutes before school starts tomorrow! Ahh what do I say?!?! haha :P Ohh what else...Well he's major thinspo! He is tiny so I feel fat next to him haha, any time I want to eat I think "Do I want to be fatter than Josh? No!!"  So yah. Also, today is the first day I have exercised willingly in a WHILE...weird that I just got a new boy :P haha I ran 1.6 miles (4 laps around my neighbor hood, and sprinted the last 150m of the loop) and I walked 1.4 miles :) So it's been amazing! I also ate about 300 calories of Pad Thai Noodles (Only not majorly calorie filled vegetarian food at my house lol). SO apparently I had a 1,305 calorie deficit today! YAY! haha my ballet recital is soon! Need to get to 120 in 17 days! Thats a weightloss of .63 pounds a day. Mehhh that sounds kinda hard! DANGIT. Well I hope I can do it! Love you all Dollies! nighty night!!!

Damn depression.

Hey guys! Wow it has been a while...I guess I just have been so ashamed to write and then I fell out of the habit by writing every night.  So hmm...where to start? Well it's been a rough week. I have developed more self hate for myself than I can imagine but my love for the taste of disgusting ass food keeps me from ana. I really don't know what to do. I mean I have all of you guys to help me along, but I need to do something for my self. Well my ballet recital is getting closer and closer. I need to be taller and skinnier by the summer time, but I can't stop eating. I hate food. It makes me eat it. I guess I will start the rubber band trick.  Oh, and I continue to self harm.  I am so stressed with school. My grades are slipping. I can't sleep. I feel like a fat failure. I am extremely jealous of my sister. And I hate my self. I wish I could tell someone close to me about everything I've done. All the mistakes I made. But I don't want the yelling, they can't understand how ashamed of everything I am.  Oh yeah, so my self harming has gotten worse.  I can't take the pressure...at ALL.  If I can't figure out one math problem (I am horrible at geometry), I flip out. Right after math I blast my rock music, pop in my head phones and bolt to the bathroom.  There I take out my compass (the thing that makes circles in geometry), and I stabbed my self with it. Over and over and over again. Till finally I can breathe without needing to scream. I want to tell someone. I really do, but then I will suffer more. I wish that I could undo all my mistakes. The pictures, the drinking...the lies. Who have I become? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I can never turn back. And that is something that truly pains me.

I cry because I am jealous of my sister. I cry because of what my Dad has done to my family. I cry because I am me.  I just want it all to end. I know that compared to some, that my life is just peachy. But it's a hell of a lot worse than most people have it.   I just want ana back. I want my self control back. And I want a god damn exacto knife. When I go to DC with my school. I am skrewed. I can't self harm, throw up, or not eat.  That is basically my whole day.  When does one learn that life is truly worth it? I hope soon. I just want everyone to go away so I can breathe.
Good night everyone.

P.s. I decided I want my name to be Lila....so I will now be signing off as Lila.
P.s.s Sorry about my rant...I just want to be able to look back and see how I truly thought.

Night everyone....
Love,
Lila <33

Please stop...

Dear Self Injury....
Please stop.
Go away.
I don't want your cuts or your burns.
I don't want the blood that you allow.

See this knife I am holding now?
Well see these cuts and scars,
On my legs, arms and stomach?
They are all from you.

You screw up my mind.
Tell me "oh one more cut...
it will all be better,
and you would have punished your self for eating too."

Well I don't want the scars
I don't want the stares that come with them either.
Please go away,
before it's to late.

Sorry guys...just a poem I wrote right now about my SI. I did three more today... a row of cuts on my leg (made them look like I fell), and two words on my stomach. Well i actually cut my self now, there was actual blood today. You know what's sick and twisted? I was happy that there was blood.  You know whats even weirder? I don't know how people can cut. My mind continues to refuse the fact that I cut...even though you can see the evidence all over my body now.  On my stomach, I wrote "glutton" and "fat."

Yeah you probably guessed it...I overate today. I am to ashamed to put up what I ate. But so far...I've gained 2 pounds. MAJOR set back. Well I still have HW to start, and I am exhausted.  I still have a track meet tomorrow my mom cancelled the therapist because I had track...so a few more days to heal my cuts. Hopefully. Um yeah, so I am gonna go study for a major test now...I hate depression. Nite.

YAY!!!

    So today was a good day! I didn't eat anything for breakfast, woke up early (burning more cals since time I was up!) and then went to school drinking green tea. I had 3 jolly ranchers and 4 skittles. Then lunch which I had a 33 calorie salad but then the stupid yummy and addicting ice cream made me eat it! fucking 230 cals! So that was it! Nothing more! So around 300 cals today! I even had a track meet (where I barley ran) but in replacement, shivered the whole time! It was freezing and it even snowed a little!
   Umm else wise, nothing else is going on. Dropped a pound so now I am 131 pounds. I think some of my weight gain was also do to muscle gain :'( w.e. I just wanna be 105! and 5'11. Well Imma go to bed early! I have an early morning waking up at 3:30 to do all my HW. No track tomorrow :( and :) I mean I want it to loose weight, but...I am so happy I just getta go home w.o  breathing heavily!  Well nighty nite <333 Btw girlies: my thinspo pics for me! They are of me lol<333

It says "THIN" btw lol.

Here is me sucking in:

I need to be original!

      I need to be original as I have no creativity left to create titles for posts!!! Well today was okay... I ate aprox. 1,000 calories which is better than the avarage so I guess I am okay :] WHOOOO!!! CELEBRATION AT MY HOUSE!!!!! I didn't eat dinner...although my tummy feels tingly now =/  Hmm what else....Oh yeah. The carvings.
      Well 3 people saw them. First during second, when I lifted my pant leg to show someone my bug bites. She was like, "what's that" and left the subject alone. Next was after track, I went to go sign out to be able to use late bus and the teacher sitting there saw it. She wouldn't stop looking. Not sure if she saw the actual word....I hope not. Cause guidance is on top of me. BAHHH. Anyone know how to get ride of carvings really quickly?!?! Cause I also have a therapist appt. DURING the track meet.  The last person, was a guy who always calls me fat. He saw it and was like "Alexii your not fat." he kept bothering me about it on my leg till I gave him the death glare. Then he started saying that it was pen...which was fine wit me lol.
     So thats pretty much it. Last thing, I was running in track today and it started pouring FREEZING RAIN!!! SOOO cold. And oh yeah tomorrow schedule=

1. Wake up at 4:30 for HW
2. Go to school
3. Go to track meet
4. Then rush to therapist

So kind of a busy day....just reminding you guys....ANYONE Know of how to get ride of carving marks quickly? like...in a day!??!!