Please stop...

Dear Self Injury....
Please stop.
Go away.
I don't want your cuts or your burns.
I don't want the blood that you allow.

See this knife I am holding now?
Well see these cuts and scars,
On my legs, arms and stomach?
They are all from you.

You screw up my mind.
Tell me "oh one more cut...
it will all be better,
and you would have punished your self for eating too."

Well I don't want the scars
I don't want the stares that come with them either.
Please go away,
before it's to late.

Sorry guys...just a poem I wrote right now about my SI. I did three more today... a row of cuts on my leg (made them look like I fell), and two words on my stomach. Well i actually cut my self now, there was actual blood today. You know what's sick and twisted? I was happy that there was blood.  You know whats even weirder? I don't know how people can cut. My mind continues to refuse the fact that I cut...even though you can see the evidence all over my body now.  On my stomach, I wrote "glutton" and "fat."

Yeah you probably guessed it...I overate today. I am to ashamed to put up what I ate. But so far...I've gained 2 pounds. MAJOR set back. Well I still have HW to start, and I am exhausted.  I still have a track meet tomorrow my mom cancelled the therapist because I had track...so a few more days to heal my cuts. Hopefully. Um yeah, so I am gonna go study for a major test now...I hate depression. Nite.

YAY!!!

    So today was a good day! I didn't eat anything for breakfast, woke up early (burning more cals since time I was up!) and then went to school drinking green tea. I had 3 jolly ranchers and 4 skittles. Then lunch which I had a 33 calorie salad but then the stupid yummy and addicting ice cream made me eat it! fucking 230 cals! So that was it! Nothing more! So around 300 cals today! I even had a track meet (where I barley ran) but in replacement, shivered the whole time! It was freezing and it even snowed a little!
   Umm else wise, nothing else is going on. Dropped a pound so now I am 131 pounds. I think some of my weight gain was also do to muscle gain :'( w.e. I just wanna be 105! and 5'11. Well Imma go to bed early! I have an early morning waking up at 3:30 to do all my HW. No track tomorrow :( and :) I mean I want it to loose weight, but...I am so happy I just getta go home w.o  breathing heavily!  Well nighty nite <333 Btw girlies: my thinspo pics for me! They are of me lol<333

It says "THIN" btw lol.

Here is me sucking in:

I need to be original!

      I need to be original as I have no creativity left to create titles for posts!!! Well today was okay... I ate aprox. 1,000 calories which is better than the avarage so I guess I am okay :] WHOOOO!!! CELEBRATION AT MY HOUSE!!!!! I didn't eat dinner...although my tummy feels tingly now =/  Hmm what else....Oh yeah. The carvings.
      Well 3 people saw them. First during second, when I lifted my pant leg to show someone my bug bites. She was like, "what's that" and left the subject alone. Next was after track, I went to go sign out to be able to use late bus and the teacher sitting there saw it. She wouldn't stop looking. Not sure if she saw the actual word....I hope not. Cause guidance is on top of me. BAHHH. Anyone know how to get ride of carvings really quickly?!?! Cause I also have a therapist appt. DURING the track meet.  The last person, was a guy who always calls me fat. He saw it and was like "Alexii your not fat." he kept bothering me about it on my leg till I gave him the death glare. Then he started saying that it was pen...which was fine wit me lol.
     So thats pretty much it. Last thing, I was running in track today and it started pouring FREEZING RAIN!!! SOOO cold. And oh yeah tomorrow schedule=

1. Wake up at 4:30 for HW
2. Go to school
3. Go to track meet
4. Then rush to therapist

So kind of a busy day....just reminding you guys....ANYONE Know of how to get ride of carving marks quickly? like...in a day!??!!

*sigh*....I am pathetic.

       I am a pathetic disgusting excuse of an anorexic. I am fat, have the worlds largest pooch and can't stop bingeing. So I was supposed to do a 24 hour fast today. Went out to dinner (stupid step-dad), at potatoe skin w/ bacon and cheese, then pasta a la vodka (gagillion calories and big plate), then i ate a handful of french fries and three bites of a quesidilla. Then came home ate an apple. Yeah, good fast right? Fuck it. SO I get home pissed....thinking how can I punish my self for this?
        I see the siccors on my floor and was wondering if I could actually cut. I tried but it was a combination of both me being a whimp, and the blade being dull. So I carved the word "FAT" into my leg, which was immensely painful, but wickedly good. I thought "this is the pain I would feel everyday if I was fat." Then I carved the word "FAT" again on my wrist. Then On the left side of my stomach....lastly I carved the word "THIN" into my right side of my stomach. None of this bled but it still stings and is red. So yeah. I am officially a pathetic excuse for an anorexic. Fuck food. fuck family. fuck life.
      Earlier on in the day was good. No breakfast, no lunch, ran a mile for track...then I come back home. Dinner. on my fast day. FUCK THIS. Well that's pretty much all I have to say. I look fatter today. And oh shit. I have gym tomorrow, and the word FAT is carved all over me. and my guidance consular already thinks she knows I am anorexic. What ever...I will figure it out. Night girls
=============EDIT===============
        
        Mkayy so it is later....here is the final result of today... 134 pounds :'( Carving on my: wrist, hand, leg, other leg, other wrist and both sides of my stomach. Total word count, "FAT"= 3, "134=FAT"=1, "SD<3"= 1, random lines=6, "THIN"=1...umm so total is 12 words. but no worries! None of them made me bleed! except the first line and that was by accident lol ( i got clutzy with the siccors). Um the 134 part came after I weighed my self...gained 1 pound :'( Well I love you girls!!! Nighty night!

SOOO Happy!!!!

Mmkayyy lovelies! I am soo happy not because I have lost a great amount of weight (because I haven't), but I think I found some more motivation for me! First, I HAVE NO MORE VACATIONS TILL SUMMER!!!! That means MAXIMUM weightloss! And I have to be 105 by X-mas vay-kay! Do you guys think I'll be able to do it? I mean is it physically possible?!?!  Secondly, for those of you who know the site skinnydoll...I made member of the week AND photo of the week!!! SOOOO happy!!! heheh <3 Well today was an okay day- a cookie, bag of chips, swordfish, coconut shrimp, smoothie w/ whey protien and an apple! Ew. It seems like a ton now! Although compared to what I have been eating, not alot lol. Well tomorrow I am back to the dreaded fasts (dreaded because I am "restarting" and I hate getting back to the beginning! The stupid longing for food!). And I have track.

So umm yeah thats it! If you want to see my plans, go to the Plans!!!" page in my blog. BTW, what do you guys think of the blogs appearance? Should I change the side appearance thingy? Whats it called BTW? Well nighty night girlies! I love you!!!!

Meh. Just Meh.-

   Nothing really exciting from today. I just have had a hard time transitioning from eating bushels of food to no food. So I (in comparison to a normal diet), ate regularly. Breakfast- multi-grain toasted w. butter. lunch- 3 oz. steak with rice. Snack- like 5 or 6 sugar cookies. Dinner- 2 slices of pizza and 4 mozza sticks.  I actually puked because of the smell of food today :D that made me happy! Oh and btw guys, when I say i puked, it's like minimal puke every time lol. I had to stop mia because it ruined the career I wanted to go into :'(
     Hmm so what else, Oh yes! Vacation. I am not going to tell you much as I would easily be recognized but the place where I was, was warm and beautiful! The guys always said "mi amor"to me. They had no concept of personal space lol. So basically I was on a catamaran and the crew member like made me dance with him. And then I got kissed a few times (not on the lips). Then a guy decided that he would like to throw me off the catamaran so I was like "mmmm okay?" so then he proceeds to pick my disgusting fat and overweight body up and wrap his arms around me. Then before I knew it, he leaped into the beautiful turquoise water. After I broke to the surface of the cool water, I looked around for the crew member. He disappeared!!! I was looking around for 5-10 minutes wondering if my fatness had drowned him! Turns out he is a silly guy and decided to swim under the catamaran! So I didn't end up killing him :)
    Oh another fun time was when everybody (the bartenders) kept trying to spike my drinks (and I hate the taste of the alcohol and am 8 years away from drinking age), so I would bring it back and they would be so surprised that i gave it back, because they don't believe I am 14. Hmm I also took pictures with a monkey! Couldn't print em though cauz it cost money :'( sorry guys!
     My last fun time but kind of creepy/ annoying. Is basically I got stuck dancing with a french guy (not to bad looking but totally inappropriate)  he kept sliding his hand down to my ass. He's at least in his 30's!!! I'm 14! ugh.  Anyways well you guys wanted to hear some vacation happenings! So there you go. Love you all! Night girlies!

I hate vacation (136)-

Well...I just weighed my self. 136 fucking pounds. I hate it. I feel like I need my tuba music right behind me. I can admit, it was scary going to the scale. I had to look at my self in the mirror. You girls want to know how I see my self in the mirror? Well here it goes:

1. A fat million pound girl
2. Worthless piece of trash
3. Ugly as shit
4. Needs a full body reconstruction
5. And surprised my disgusting looks aren't cracking the mirrors.

Well there you have it. I hate my self. I hate my looks. I hate who I am. Anyways I don't know why, but my weight made me less motivated to loose all the weight for the 3rd fucking time. Blahh. I really need your support girlies. At least there are no more vacations until summer! But ew, I have track so I can't really be fasting to much (I don't want to faint at a meet...everyone would then get that I am a wanarexic). Well I say wanarexic because I don't feel like an anorexic, but w.e. you get me.  Well It's 3 AM here, so I am going to go to bed girlies. Love ya lots!

Xoxo,
Alexii

P.S. Feel free to ask me about my vacation :)

Eeeek!!!

 Okay....so here's the basic events: I went on vacation when I was at my semi lowest weight of 126 pounds....and after vacations IK that I always gain 10-12 pounds. But this time is different. This time I'm actually kind of scared to weigh my self. I mean I say I can get up and go weigh my self right now at this very moment, but I just can't bring my self to do it....so I posted this question on yahoo answers hoping that someone could support me on getting on the scale. And below that are a few of the responses I received :'(

"I'm scared to weigh my self...?"

"Hey, So I've been anorexic and bulimic for a little over 6 months now. I keep on doing it and then backing off because vacations make me gain 10-12 pounds. I got so good (down to 126) right before vacation right after a previous vacation....but now I think I am back to the beginning...But I am to scared to weigh my self. I know you guys won't understand the ED, but can you guys please encourage me to weigh my self? I've never been scared to weigh my self before =/"

"do it baby"

"126 my fat aunt randy weighs ten pounds over that u SHULD be scared of stepping on the scale cuz...ya ur probably gonna have to buy a new one"

"I'm scared too.. i know what you're going through. to be honest I wouldnt do it because if it's more you'll feel bad about yourself"

"Is this a joke? Seriously get over yourself! There are serious problems out there in this world. I have no sympthy for someone who creates their own illness. Hunny your brain is sick go get help. There are poor people in this world with AIDS or Cancer who have real problems and didn't ask for it."

Okay now to talk about some of the things I received. Well obviously, it didn't turn out the way I hoped. The do it baby was inspiring then I read the next comment (the one in yellow) and I was deeply shocked. Who ever that person is, he knew how fat I am. He didn't even have to see me to know that. I even managed to puke up a little bit from my dinner from 7 hours ago (my body does it when ever it pleases, I weirdly cannot control my puking), and I think it puked up a little blood....I've never done that before. But it was only a tiny bit of puke....but still. Well, now I can't even look in the mirror and I'm even more terrified to go weight my self.  And the person in red...I didn't ask for this. How about you try looking in the mirror everyday. You try being a fucking 'normal' person. How about you go shopping and you can barely stand in public without screaming or running into a corner because your afraid that people are judging how fat you are. And do I see you helping out all those people? No. So FUCK OFF. NOW. Well that ruined my night...thanx. 

Anyways, i know that I need to weigh my self to get back on track but I am to scared to....please help. Thank you girls for reading my posts...it means a world of a difference to me <3

=================EDIT======================

Okay so I was looking up some vegetarian stuff on the web... take a look at this (warning it's pretty gross):


Get a free 'Vegetarian Starter Kit' now.

Day something lol

So I kinda forgot to write about the other days...got down to 126.2...then binged and back to FAT. blahh. Well there's nothing much cauz I forgot...but went on a robo trip last night...whoops. It was actually not with the intention of getting high...I thought more would get me healthier! turns out...I got my first high lol.

Well this really sweet guy IK, stayed up ALL night with me to make sure I was okay <3 it was a blast lollll. he's such a sweetie! but a really bad influence =/ lol. Well I have only gotten 3 hours of 72 hours of sleep...so nighty night girls! Any questions, feel freee to email me at thekillerana128@aol.com!

OH CRAP. (126.7)

Hmmm good day? NO. Here is what happened....
   Morning:
         So I felt like fainting and I was really weak as it was my first time fasting past 1 day (this would've been my 3rd day fasting)...So yea I was like collapsing when I was walking, my head was swirling, basically, I was going to collapse if I didn't eat soon. So I drank my oolong tea, and felt weaker and weaker. I traveled down the school halls my legs collapsing underneath me, making me look either high or drunk (people actually asked me if I was, and everyone knows I am like the last person to get high). So It all started with a juice box (100 calories). I saw the amount of calories and threw it back in the school store fridge. My other fat anorexic friend was like "nooo you have to! We'll share it." Fuck her. I ate so much because of her. So then I bought a little food, 200 cals, ate that gave some of it away.  Oh yeah once I ate it, I was stomach sick for the rest of the day basically.
          Hmmm what else. LUNCH. Ew so I bought; 100 cal cheeze it's, 300 cal ice cream, pasta bowl (w. tomatoe sauce and cheese).. Horrible binge... Meh. So then it came to after math, I bought sour patch and snickers,  ate 6/8ths of it. Then gave away my snickers. Ran 2 miles puking during it in track.
         Now I am home, after ballet ate 2 slices of pizza and ice cream and cheddar bunnies. EW. So fucking bad day. just to show you how big the list of food for an average person every day is, here you go:
fruitbox, fruitsnack, oolong tea, cheeze itz, ice cream, pasta with sauce and cheese, sour patch, pizza, pizza, ice cream, cheddar bunnies. EW >_> that took two lines! Damn, I want to purge it so badly, but I just can't bring my self to. Literally, purposfully purging I try but my body just gags and gags and nothing comes out!
       Well my rant is done...plans for the rest of the week: FAST. But I might not be able to with the family :'( Because wed, thurs, and fri's are when I have to eat with the family. shit this isn't going to work...how about dinner only? 1/4 of the plate. Hmm sounds good :D not really :'( MEHHH i wanna cry about this! Blah I hate stress...If I don't stop talking now I will continue for ever. so night girls

Day 10 (128.2)

     Woohooo!!! Finally at 128! But it's not even close to 105... blahhh 23 more pounds to loose! Hopefully I can do it =/ Well today was my second day of fasting!!! I think this is the farthest I have gone before! woohooo <3333 As you girlies can see...I'm quite happy about it lol.
     The only thing I am not happy about;
         1)On my period- Bloating
         2) Aching ALL over
         3) Haven't lost 3 pounds a day :'(
Good thing is that I did a 2.2 mile run in track! woohoooo hehehe. I didn't even faint! Puked with an empty stomach (had 0 cal vitamin water, that went bye bye)....But i did it! hehe. Tomorrow I have to start figuring out ways to trick my family....they are catching on.... no dinner twice in a row. But I wanna be able to do a 3 day fast UK?!?!?! Blahh.. Any advice? Hmm well tomorrow= track +ballet so a double calorie roaster! Not eating is actually pretty easy so far! I haven't gotten to bad of hunger pains yet though...so IDK. lol. Well I gotta sleep...need some energy for track and Ballet tomorrow lol. nite dollies<3333

Day 9 (129.2)-

        Hmm what to write....well I binged yesterday oh I forgot to add on that i had ice cream at the end of the night. And today is better, i guess, It's always dinner that f**k's me up! So annoying...because dinner is the yummiest! Blahh. Well today I got up, OH SHOOT I NEED TO DO MY HW, whoops sorry random realization! Anyways, today I went for a 2.2 mile walk to keep me from eating and it was a nice walk... might go for a run...but that's just me trying to procrastinate from doing my HW. Well thats pretty much it...except I had an AWESOME dream!  Here it is:
        Basically  i've always wanted to be pretty enough to model...so I dreamt I was a playboy bunny.  I was tall, sexy and slim. it was an amazing dream. I walked down the cat walk, in tall black stilletoes.  Anyways well you can imagine the whole dream! It was just... AMAZING! OH yeah! I could even put my hands around my waist! like I said...awesome dream<333
*****LATER THIS DAYYY*****
 Mkkayyy...good news!!! No dinner, so it's been a full 24 hour fast!!!! And I weighed my self today....129.2 POUNDS!!!! hehehehe I am back girlies :D Just one depressing thought...going on vacation soon! Any time I go on break, My ana get's fucked up, it took me 2 and a half months to get back to where I am now! So unfair! blahhhh. And I have 69 days to get back to full blown ana! It's gonna set me back soooo muucchhh! I say 69 because that is the day school ends...and summer will be a major binge period if I don't have full blown ana! So right now I am kinda stressed...well I have to go study for a test now...luv ya girlies!!!!!

Day 8 (131.1)-

      Well....I gained a pound...yay. Ummm I guess I will add on to this tonight. I am writing it because I need a distraction from eating! I don't know why I don't want to drink water... I need it because I am so hungry and dehydrated... also a little skeptical that it has calories in it =/ I think that the caloric tests lie because how can they even know how to calculate calories in the first place! Ugh w.e.
     Mmmm something new, I found a texting ana buddy on SD yesterday night and we now text each-other :D Well by girlies <3 ya!

********************LATER ON IN THE DAY************************
Mkayy so my stupid family decided to go for dinner, and it was my fast day!!! blahhh. SO I said I would eat a little Penne a la vodka...but I ate The whole ginormous thing! It was sooo yummy.... I miss being able to have all the taste of foods.... i think thats the one thing keeping me back from full blown ana. Grrr. Well anyways, I ate that and then a little of my moms salad... I didn't realize I was hungry! I am never hungry until  I eat! Well grr...so that was the end of today!

Day 7 (130.9)-

Ew so i am actually writing this for yesterday... Imagine this is yesterday: So after I binged yesterday (I was so tired at dinner didn't even know I was like eating), I decided that today I might as well continue because I am going to dukin doughnuts. I got a toasted multigrain w/ butter and a small strawberry colada. MM yummyyy....if there's one thing I hate about being anorexic...it's not being able to eat the SUPER yummy foods!! blahh. Mmm what else?? oh yes, lunch= pizza, ice cream and reduced fat blueberry muffin. Dinner= candy, mac and cheese, stuffing and carrots.... so yeah today was a binge day =/

Sorry girls I was to exhausted to write for yesterday!

Day 6 (130.2)-

    Hmm so well lets just simply put it that last night I pulled an all nighter.    I worked out every hour and then today had nothing to eat for breakfast and lunch, I even had less liquids than yesterday. But one problem I am facing is track. As I am on Day 2 of the ABC, running more less movements make me dizzy. So running an 800m is NOT working out for me. But yesterday the ABC under 500 went well. 900 calorie meal split between 3 people, I ate some (200-300 cals) and left the rest alone. Then I puke about 1/4 of it up <333 Well I am so tired now and can barley think or function...have yet to figure out what food is for tonight....
     Man I should have had pizza before I started! I love it soo mucchhh dannnggg and I have massive cravings for it!!!  Well umm oh yeah was gonna point out how pissed I am that i didn't loose at least 3 pounds from yesterday.. it's so depressing!

Day 5 (131lbs)-

BAyyummmm sooooo happy! I am 5 pounds less from my 24 hour fast today!!! Don't even know how this is possible but.... BAYUMMMMM hehehe sorry! Well just saying here's my list of what I 'ate':
      1) 6 pieces of gum
      2) a half a bottle of water
      3) 2 vitamin waters (0 calories!!)
BAYUM! I avoided eating lunch (first time in a month) and I avoided snacking after school! Also I had to run 45 minutes for track....AWESOME day!  But lunch was kind of hard as I was surrounded by my friends looking happy with food...bllahhh if it weren't for my ana friend next to me...I might have not lasted! She just 'started' ana 3 weeks ago and she looks sooo good! (she used to be SUPER fat...now she's just fat bahahha). Well that's pretty much it girlies!!! I <3 yaaaaa

Day 4 (136 lbs)

      Hmmm well I guess today was like 10x better than last week!!! So basically got up in the morning, didn't have anything to eat for breakfast. Later during 2nd period, I had some gum and had drank two small water bottles by then! It was amazing I wasn't to hungry...my tongue just wanted something to play with (meaning food guys! Get ur mind outta the gutter!) Umm later I ended up having a garden salad, 33 cals per 1 3/4 cups...at least I think. Then I didn't have anything else in school! Oh yeah forgot to mention, I gave away my peeps in the morning just because I would have eaten them (good thing because I wanted them later!).  Oh and AMAZING NEWS!! I finally skipped the pasta with sauce and cheese, and an ice cream sandwich for lunch! SO happyyyy!
    Hmmm what else? Oh yeah snack/dinner.  Well here's the depressing part, I got home and had half my easter candy (probably...oh let's say 800 cals!) and then an 80 calorie yogurt, then a hot pocket and two egg's with mayonnaise (ew that sounds gross!) blahhh I hit the after-noon snacking binge process!!! Any tips on how to avoid this?!?!?! Oh yeah so after I ate all this, I threw out the other half of my easter candy! THANK GOD!
     Well that's pretty much it...excluding the fact that I almost broke down when I saw my body. Ew.  Umm well bedy bi time! Waking up early to start english paper XD I hate being a procrasenator!!! Love you girls and or guys! Byeeee <3333

Day 3 (Mehhh)

   Okay so today wasn't as bad! I went for a run around the block (.4 or .3 of a mile) and felt like there were two knives lodged in my knee's so I had to stop running. W.e. So I went on the wii fit.  for breakfast I had some candy and a little of a cookie. Blah.
   For lunch...here's the sad part...mash potatoes (with butter) and stuffing with butter....then soup. Then a little smart food. And to top it off....a little candy. Then some ramen noodles :P But it was a heck of a lot better than yesterday, this time I am cutting my food intake slowly as to not alert family and to avoid any emergencies! Yikes!
    Then for dinner I had chicken pot pie, (two servings) well with out the chicken because I'm vegetarian. Umm so my binge for today wasn't as bad...anyways gotta get up early to finish my HW. Night everyone! Just knew I had to write! blaahhh

Day 2 (BLAHHH)

        Ew. I hate you SO MUCH binge monster! You will not leave me the fuck alone... WHY?!?!!??! Well, as I did say yesterday, I am a compulsive eater if i'm not anorexic... I just wish ana would come back to me as easily as it did in the beginning. That was a wonderful feeling. Well now here is my checklist of things I have to do to get back there:
    1) STOP BINGING
    2) Learn to HATE food
    3) Distance my self from food
    4) Learn to love the hunger pains
    5) Visualize my perfect body
    6) If I'm eating lunch- SALAD
Well yeah, that's all the things I can think of.... If you have any let me know! My email is: thekillerana128@aol.com
        Um yeah, so on to today.... Well today was easter... ew. I HATE holidays. They make me disgustingly FAT. My belly is coming back and so are my boobs which means I can't fit into HALF the stuff I JUST bought. Yayyyy.... rolls eyes. Yesterday I binged at the STUPID easter feast. I HATE FOOD! So why can't I stop eating it?!??!?! blahhh it will come back... especially wit the support of SD <3
Well anyways...gonna go now cauz i've written enough. Luv ya all!

Day 1 (Ew.Ew.Ew.)

Today I am starting my journey to ana all over again. I can't stand to look at my self in the mirror, I feel like I don't belong in this world...all my feelings of elation are gone. When ana was here for me, she guided me into the light. I looked good, felt good, and held the power of determination. For me it's either anorexia or compulsive eating. Which is weird because they are polar opposites. Well I hope I can do it as well as I did the first time.

I want that mindset back again, to feel that anorexia is the only way to loose weight. That it truly is a life style choice. Maybe my family won't continue to tell me I'm fat. You know what's weird? When I was 'to skinny' my family was like don't loose any weight, you never eat anything and blah blah blah. And when I start my binge a week later, they say 'I never see you without food in your mouth. Stop eating!' It's so unfair. What ever, this endeavor is for me, not them. I NEED to look good. And hopefully my therapist won't find out that i'm anorexic.

Well today is going well so far. I'm about to go for a quick run because according to my track coach, I have to. Man it was easier to run when I was skinnier! Hopefully i will get back there....with out the whole fainty thingy. Umm, so far i've only eaten an 80 calorie, fat free yogurt. Hopefully I can avoid eating a lot once I get back from my run! Oh and yeah, we (my family) is having a pre-easter dinner...sooo hopefully I can avoid binging.... Oh please let me stay strong my first day back!

Well, I will add on later... love all of you!