Damn depression.

Hey guys! Wow it has been a while...I guess I just have been so ashamed to write and then I fell out of the habit by writing every night.  So hmm...where to start? Well it's been a rough week. I have developed more self hate for myself than I can imagine but my love for the taste of disgusting ass food keeps me from ana. I really don't know what to do. I mean I have all of you guys to help me along, but I need to do something for my self. Well my ballet recital is getting closer and closer. I need to be taller and skinnier by the summer time, but I can't stop eating. I hate food. It makes me eat it. I guess I will start the rubber band trick.  Oh, and I continue to self harm.  I am so stressed with school. My grades are slipping. I can't sleep. I feel like a fat failure. I am extremely jealous of my sister. And I hate my self. I wish I could tell someone close to me about everything I've done. All the mistakes I made. But I don't want the yelling, they can't understand how ashamed of everything I am.  Oh yeah, so my self harming has gotten worse.  I can't take the pressure...at ALL.  If I can't figure out one math problem (I am horrible at geometry), I flip out. Right after math I blast my rock music, pop in my head phones and bolt to the bathroom.  There I take out my compass (the thing that makes circles in geometry), and I stabbed my self with it. Over and over and over again. Till finally I can breathe without needing to scream. I want to tell someone. I really do, but then I will suffer more. I wish that I could undo all my mistakes. The pictures, the drinking...the lies. Who have I become? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I can never turn back. And that is something that truly pains me.

I cry because I am jealous of my sister. I cry because of what my Dad has done to my family. I cry because I am me.  I just want it all to end. I know that compared to some, that my life is just peachy. But it's a hell of a lot worse than most people have it.   I just want ana back. I want my self control back. And I want a god damn exacto knife. When I go to DC with my school. I am skrewed. I can't self harm, throw up, or not eat.  That is basically my whole day.  When does one learn that life is truly worth it? I hope soon. I just want everyone to go away so I can breathe.
Good night everyone.

P.s. I decided I want my name to be Lila....so I will now be signing off as Lila.
P.s.s Sorry about my rant...I just want to be able to look back and see how I truly thought.

Night everyone....
Love,
Lila <33